Little Lion Man
by contentment is beautiful
Summary: Arizona fell for Callie, even though she was told not to. One-shot.


There was too much sadness.

Arizona sat in her apartment, her hand resting on her pager on the side table of her bed. She prayed for it to beep. She begged a God she had never spoken to that it wouldn't. She didn't know what she wanted; a common theme in her life as of late.

The buzzing of her phone caught her attention, the way it had many times that night. As she cautiously turned it over, she rolled her eyes at Teddy's name flashing across the screen yet again.

_I'm worried. Are you eating yet? Sleeping? Text me back._

Her heart plummeted at her friend's concern, feeling guilty for not responding. Was she eating? No. Was she sleeping? Barely. Even with the medication she had written up for herself she wasn't getting enough of it. And what was the cause?

_Her._

It had been two months since she had moved to Seattle. She had arrived and instantly found a clique of friends due to a previous connection she had rekindled once she landed. Everything was perfect for her. Everything was fine.

Until _she_ showed up.

Arizona hardly knew her. They had barely even crossed paths. Occasionally they'd chat with one another, or sit with mutual friends at lunch. They'd exchange small talk, be pleasant enough with one another. She never failed to make Arizona smile. But she didn't think past that. She couldn't. She was too busy; too involved.

Until that night.

Arizona had worked an incredibly long shift. She drearily shrugged her way past an unlocked on call room door, fumbling over her own feet to get to the bottom bunk. As she drowsily rubbed at her eyes, she stumbled onto the mattress, unaware of the lump underneath the covers until it was too late.

"Mmwhat? 'Mawake! I'm awake what..."

Arizona jumped a little, chuckling as her eyes lazily focused on the Latina now half way sitting up on her side.

"Sorry, Callie, I didn't see you there."

After the interruption, Callie had dropped her head into her lap, demanding that Arizona run her fingers through her hair since she had the audacity to awaken the sleeping beast. So she did. She didn't think it would be a big deal, until she felt it's curly, silky texture. She wasn't worried, until they started talking and Callie's laugh danced it's way around the four corners of the nearly pitch black room. She thought she was fine, until their easy banter somehow turned serious, and they spoke for two hours about anything and everything that came to mind.

Callie's pager had forced her to remove herself from Arizona's comfortable body. They didn't even realize how close they were until Callie went to sit up, half on top of the blonde and blushing a bit.

It physically pulled at Arizona's chest to think about it all. How quickly it was after that moment that she fell for her. How totally lost she was in the brunette.

She checked her phone again. Nothing. Of course.

The two had then been spotted together as often as they could spare a moment. Arizona knew what she felt, but she couldn't act on it. There were too many complications. There were obstacles; heavy burdens in both of their way. Callie had close exes she worked with on the regular that Arizona had befriended, and not all of them had let the Latina go without a fight. And Arizona? She had her own women to worry about.

She remembered the talk that changed everything. She remembered sitting down with her, casually speaking of their day, until she slowly worked in her feelings. It was said over a pastry. She remembered it because it was supposed to be simple. It was supposed to be unrequited. She was supposed to just say how she felt for Callie, to Callie, and then it was going to be something they were going to laugh about a week or two from then. It was just to get off her chest so they could move on.

What she hadn't counted on, however, was Callie's hesitation. The look in her eye when Arizona shrugged off her statements, like they were nothing. Because that's what they were supposed to be. Just feelings. Only feelings. They weren't supposed to fester the way they did.

Days went by before Callie finally rounded a corner, a rushed sentence sounding suspiciously like "I've wanted you all this time" falling from her lips. And when it was understood that everything was mutual, it was in that moment they also saw their first taste of the sadness that would engulf them. Because Callie was damaged, and Arizona couldn't take a hint.

So a few days went by. Arizona tried to stay away, she really did, but she was like a moth to a flame. Things she had never noticed about Callie kept jumping into her line of sight. Like the way she was quiet in the most inopportune moments. The intelligence she under minded in herself. How concentrated she was when she was working on the bones before her. The strength of her will. The kindness she worked so hard at covering up these days.

Arizona knew then, after she had seen Callie smile, after she had heard her crying, after she had found bits and pieces to a puzzle she knew was unsolvable that she was in too deep already over something that was supposed to remain in the shallowest of waters.

But things never go according to plan. Not in her life. Not with her Calliope.

She remembered the first time she tried to whisper the name alone, and it wasn't until she heard Callie herself say it once to correct her that she realized she had done it all wrong. But it had become theirs. Her own private name for her. It was a secret, just like their love.

Arizona sighed, eyes rolling into the back of her skull as yet another onslaught of tears came. Love. She _loved_ her.

Callie had told Arizona repeatedly to keep her at arms length.

"_You're in my heart, Calliope."_

"_Don't keep me there for too long."_

...but Arizona wouldn't listen.

She thought she had it all figured out. End every little fling she had to show the Latina she was serious. Present her with the prize: herself. Perky, sweet, beautiful, successful, kind, attentive, and loving. With everything Callie had admitted to her she thought it was all fool proof.

She thought a lot of things.

Because suddenly, without warning, she realized the position she had put Callie in. To go against everything, to hurt those who still haunted her steps in the hospital, to ask her to accompany her on a journey she herself had no clue about. To expect so much. Because Callie had told her ((how many times was it now? Too many to count)) that she wasn't the kind of girl you fell for. She wouldn't catch you. She didn't have it in her. You burn and get burned so often that eventually your skin is soft with sores, and even the gentlest caress feels like a painful shove in the wrong direction. Arizona wanted to soothe. But Callie was as hot and painful as the fire she represented. And it wasn't until now that Arizona realized the extent the Hispanic woman would go just to stay away from her.

She tried not to flinch earlier at work when she had seen Callie sitting with Erica instead of her. The way the other blonde haired, blue eyed girl made her laugh churned Arizona's gut with a jealousy she fought so hard against. She did her best to ignore everything all day. She kept her head down, her eyes dry, and her mind focused until she finally clocked out for the night.

It wasn't in her character to leave things so bitter. She gave the Latina the space she asked for after she went and dropped the "L" bomb the night before. She thought they would've spoken by now. But they hadn't. And Arizona had a feeling that if her beautiful counterpart had any say, they wouldn't again.

So there she was: curled up in her plush white duvet, netflix playing some vampire show she was hardly paying attention to, and filled to the brim with her sadness. Her despair. Her hopelessness. Her eyes flicked to the clock above her television as she watched the time change. Midnight. It was officially Callie's birthday. The one she had begged the Latina earlier on in the week to let her purchase a gift for, any gift, but was repeatedly denied. And Arizona wondered now if it was because the other woman felt uncomfortable-that she wouldn't want anything from the blonde. That she didn't want a reminder of her. That everything she had told her about sharing her feelings was some sort of ploy. In her heart, she didn't believe it, but how could she hold on to something that was suffocating her? How did she untangle herself from a web in which she had mostly spun herself? How do you live with yourself, knowing your heartache was self induced? And how do you deal with knowing that the one who caused it doesn't want to have any part in easing your pain. Because she told you. She warned you. She _begged_ you not to come any closer.

Arizona had thought everything through. Everything, except failure.

She reached out a limb, sliding her phone unlocked and opening the name she had avoided for 24 hours. The name that had yet to show up, even though it was due to earlier.

_Happy birthday_

Simple. It's not what she wanted to say. "Why aren't you speaking to me?" "What are you thinking?" "Just tell me to go and I will."

But she didn't say any of that. Because...what if she got the answer back that her heart was fighting so desperately against? What if Callie truly had just gotten caught up, and didn't feel nearly as strongly as Arizona did? What if Callie didn't want her? What if it was a joke? What if it was a lie? What if Arizona fell for all of it? What if she rearranged her entire life, losing people close to her, for a chance that she now was being denied?

Her phone buzzed.

She looked down, her heart breaking at the simplicity. The vague response was all the answer she needed.

_Thank you._

She was alone. And it was all her fault.


End file.
